Overcome Challenging Habits in a Relationship: Expert Tips with Aly Bullock, MS
In this episode of The Adaptive Mind, I sit down with Aly Bullock, a couple and family therapist known for her down-to-earth advice and practical tips on communication. Together, we explore the nuances of supporting a partner who’s working through a difficult habit—whether it’s alcohol use, porn use, or any other sensitive issue. Aly sheds light on why your spouse shouldn’t always be your accountability partner, how to keep conversations constructive, and the power of shared goals in creating lasting, positive change.
In this episode you will learn:
- How to support your partner without taking on the role of “fixer”
- Practical ways to bring up sensitive conversations (and keep them calm)
- Why setting a regular “check-in” can lower tension and reduce surprise
- How systemic therapy addresses behaviors within the family ecosystem
- Creative ideas (like a calendar tracking system) to keep communication open without blame
Tune in to explore how immersive sound can spark calm, clarity, and deeper well-being in your daily life.
Brady Dowling: In this episode we are joined by Aly. Aly is a couple and family therapist who specializes in helping couples with effective communication in addition to working with clients one on one, she makes relationship advice accessible to people all over the world through her online platform at Relationships with Ally and I can attest to the advice being accessible. Love the Instagram account and all of the stuff you're putting out. Allie. Yeah, thank you.
Aly Bullock: It's really fun. Thanks so much for having me on this podcast.
Brady: Yeah, of course. So I know you're great with sensitive stuff and like really breaking down communication walls in terms of breaking habits or like challenging behaviors in couples where there is that kind of thing, let's say like alcohol use or porn use or something that's a little more sensitive or taboo. What's the number one suggestion you'd give to someone seeking support from a spouse or from a romantic partner?
Aly: That's a really good question. I think the number one suggestion is to keep the lines of communication open without having your partner become your accountability person. So a lot of times couples think, you know, this is our safe space, you can help me overcome this. But that dynamic creates a lot of, can create a lot of issues which, you know, we'll get into in the podcast. But I would say communicate but don't rely on each other to be the person that fixes it.
Brady: Okay. Yeah, I think that's probably not something that people know a lot. I think at least like my mindset is generally like I should Tell everything to my wife. Like, we should be, you know, like one. We should be fully communicative. So how would someone support their partner without necessarily being their accountability person?
Aly: Totally. Well, I think one way that you could talk about the issue is, is framing it in the lens of, like, what are our shared goals as a couple? So let's take alcohol use, for example. So maybe the goal isn't necessarily drink less, but the goal in the relationship is to be more reliable. And so when you're having conversations about the issue, don't focus so much on, like, okay, how many drinks did you have this week? How many drinks did you have today? Focus on, did I feel that I could rely on you this week? Did you follow through on your commitments to me, whether or not those were related to alcohol? And those are shared goals that you can keep each other accountable to instead of focusing just on the behavior, on the negative behavior that's impacting you.
Brady: Right. I like that. So it's like taking a step back away from it and not necessarily zeroing in on that one specific thing, but, like, okay, what are we. What are we looking for as a couple? So we talked about how to support one another and really digging into communication. Specifically, do you have tips for how partners can communicate about sensitive issues like these?
Aly: Definitely. I think with a habit that is causing anxiety in the relationship, and if you're the partner who sees your. Your spouse doing this thing that makes you anxious, it's really tempting to come in with an accusatory tone. Did you do this? Why didn't you tell me what happened? And to let your anxiety and fear come through in your communication, which is immediately going to send them down a spiral of shame and guilt and also immediately going to increase their desire to hide from you. And so it's really important that as hard as it is, you try and stay more calm and more neutral as you're bringing it up. Start with I feel statements. I feel anxious that I didn't hear from you last night. Can we talk about what happened instead of, why didn't you call me like you said you were going to call me? Right. And so really starting from the place of I feel this, there's actually formula. It's like, I feel plus factual statement. I felt worried when I didn't hear from you. That's not making a judgment about them. That's just sharing your feeling and a fact. And they're much more likely to respond openly and actually tell you what's going on so you can talk about it than hiding.
Brady: Right. And I think actually to plug your Instagram, I think this is something that comes through in a lot of your posts. And I think it's easy to go into a conversation with like, okay, I'm gonna start with an I feel and then a fact. And I think probably there's a certain point where tensions start to rise or maybe, like, emotions start to come in. How would you kind of prepare for that or maybe prevent you from kind of going away from, okay, I listened to Allie on this podcast and this is what I'm going to do. But then, like, getting into more of an improv and emotional situation.
Aly: Yeah, I would say if you know that this is an issue you're struggling with, you're struggling with in your relationship, establish a routine check in. So whether that's once a week or once a month, have a time when you both already know you're going to be talking about this sensitive issue. And so you can mentally prepare, you can emotionally prepare. You can also choose a time when you're not going to be interrupted. And then if the emotions, you know, do get a little bit more heated, you know, you're still in that safe space. You know, you have time to work through it because you've set aside this time to talk about it. It also helps because then neither one of you feels surprised and caught off guard, which is very common when working through a negative habit is that it's new information all of a sudden, and you feel a lot of feelings about that. And so saving it for this meeting and this check in can actually be helpful. I know some people really struggle with this because they say, like, if my partner broke their promise or broke their commitment, I want to know right away. And yes, there are some things like say they're spending your money, they're gambling your money. Like, you have a right to know right away. That's important to know. But there are other things where it's not so black or white. And maybe, you know, if you can wait until the check in and then they can tell you, you know, I did actually watch porn this week, and it impacted me this way. That's a better way to do it than just bringing it up right away every time it happens.
Brady: Yeah. Yeah, I like that. And so for someone that's listening right now and thinking, okay, this is like a new approach. How might you approach your spouse or your partner and be like, I think we should change the way that we're communicating. How might you kind of broach that if maybe they haven't heard of this approach? And they're kind of like, yeah, you should tell me every single time as soon as this happens.
Aly: Yeah, I think you could bring it up by framing it as, I want this conversation to go better. I want both of us to feel more open and more safe. And I think if we establish a routine way of talking about this, it will help with that. And you can also then say, and let's set some boundaries for what is serious enough that I do need to tell you right away. It doesn't have to be that everything waits for the meeting. You can approach it by saying, I know that there are some things that are especially hurtful to you, and I want to talk about that and see if we can, you know, maybe make an exception for those things. We should try and talk about right away. But framing it as, I want to be able to be more open with you. I want to be able to have this conversation in a time and a space when we both feel like we can be vulnerable and deep. I think they'll be hopefully open to that.
Brady: Yeah, it seems very reasonable. It seems kind of in theme with the things that you've talked about of one focusing on, like, what are our goals as a couple, as a partnership, and then also just kind of being open and being, I guess, malleable, adaptive, and not necessarily being stringent in your ways. So I guess we're kind of proving this out a little bit. But how do you think family therapy can help individuals with behavioral changes?
Aly: Family therapy or couples therapy or kind of a combo?
Brady: Yeah, I guess family or couples therapy. I think generally when I think about people having behavioral change or even when you see it in movies, it's. It's like, okay, he's going to his therapist or she's going to her therapist. And you don't so much see family. Family or couples therapy. And so I'm curious how you think that would be helpful in a situation like that.
Aly: Yes, I. I mean, I'm trained as a systemic therapist, a family therapist. So I absolutely think it's the most effective way is to address these within the context of your system. Think about a plant or an animal, like they live in an ecosystem. Right. They're impacted by every little thing that goes on there. So are we. We're also impacted by our ecosystem, including the relationships. Probably mostly impacted by the relationships. And so to think that you can change in isolation ends up being pretty naive. We're so impacted by the tone of voice someone uses, the look in their eyes. Right. The judgments, with the perceived judgments around us. And so if you can go to therapy together, whether it's as a couple or as a family, you have a much bigger opportunity to address all of those underlying things that make it hard for you to change.
Brady: Yeah, that seems. Yeah. Like a much bigger picture. And. Yeah, really kind of just these issues can pervade in a lot of different areas, just like you said. So it seems really reasonable.
Aly: Yeah. There's some interesting research that I learned in grad school. I don't remember who it was by, but they talked about the family of an addiction, and they actually said, you know, they looked at all these families where there was addict behavior, and you could characterize each member of the family. There was, like, the golden child. There was the jester. There's the scapegoat. Oftentimes the scapegoat is the person with the addictive behavior, but everyone is put into one of these roles. And so when the scapegoat then goes off on his own and tries to change his behavior, the jester and the golden child don't know what to do anymore. They're like, what is my role? And whether it's conscious or not, they start to behave in a way that puts the scapegoat back in its place so that we can all be perfectly happy in our roles again. So it's important to address the big picture.
Brady: Yeah. Yeah. It seems like it could be challenging also to get a family into that situation where they're all willing to kind of undergo this process at once. And I would imagine that's something that you see from time to time. Do you have any thoughts or tips about how to kind of initiate that conversation or initiate that process?
Aly: It's so hard. It depends, too, if the person with the behavior that needs to be changed is initiating or if it's the family that's initiating.
Brady: Yeah.
Aly: I think either way, it's tricky, because when it's the person who is struggling with. With change, bringing it up to their family, the family often feels like, this is your problem. Like, this isn't. I don't want to take responsibility for any part of this. This is you.
Brady: Yeah.
Aly: And then on the flip side, when everyone else is telling you, you have a problem, come to therapy, you're like, no, I don't. Leave me alone. So I'm not going to pretend it's easy. But some advice for how to help the conversation go better. I think, again, approaching it with shared goals. We, all of us in our family want to be able to enjoy a family vacation without one of us blowing up In a fight and leaving. Right. We all want to be able to enjoy. Blah, blah, blah. And so saying I think that we can achieve our shared goal if we do this can help people become more open to the idea.
Brady: Yeah, yeah, I would imagine. Kind of like we talked about with a couple other things. It's probably a process. It's probably not like, oh, I just decided, let's do family therapy, and we're gone in a week. Because that's what's happening. Maybe in some families it's like that.
Aly: But, yeah, not at most.
Brady: Yeah. Okay, great. So I guess bringing it a little back to what we talked about at the start. Do you have any attributes or, like, ideas about what makes a really good accountability person? Maybe if you're choosing somebody else that's not necessarily your spouse or your partner.
Aly: I think someone who has training. So whether it's a professional therapist, whether it's a coach, whether it's a mentor, someone who has experience is always a good option. I think also a friend can be a really good accountability person. A friend who maybe has been through this before or who really understands what you're going through. I would say avoid an attractive person that you could develop a crush on because you're going to be talking about very vulnerable things and feelings will come up. And so I would say that may be something to avoid. And then the last suggestion would be someone you're willing to pay. Sometimes money is the ultimate motivator, and you just need to put some skin in the game in order to feel like, okay, actually, I have to be accountable and do what this person does.
Brady: Oh, interesting. So paying money to someone is even an improvement. It makes them a better accountability person in a way?
Aly: Yes. Yeah, I would say so. I mean, have you. Do you find that when you pay money for, like, a lot of money for something, you're more likely to use it?
Brady: Oh, I'm not gonna. Like, if I pay money to go to a basketball game, I'm not gonna miss it. I will not.
Aly: Yeah, of course. Yeah, right.
Brady: Yeah, totally makes sense.
Aly: The more expensive, possibly the faster you'll change. I don't know.
Brady: Your rates just doubled. Okay, that's great. Is there anything that we didn't cover in our conversation so far that you think might be helpful for people?
Aly: Yeah, I was thinking back on other ways that you can be accountable to each other without creating a power dynamic. So a big reason that you don't want to have your partner be the accountability person is because it creates this power dynamic of they are now in A way better than you. Even if you don't say that, that becomes the feeling. And that just isn't conducive to, like, an equitable, loving, healthy relationship, because resentment will build on both sides. But if you do want to communicate about it openly, you can do so in nonverbal ways. Like, I know many people who have used a chart, so maybe let's say they are trying to cut back on. This is something that's really important to both partners, and they do want to keep the lines of communication open. They'll have a calendar, and on the calendar they'll have green, orange, and red dots. Green days are days that they were fine. They didn't do anything. Orange days are days they thought about it. Maybe they struggled a little bit, but that's where soft. Red days are, where they did engage the behavior. And, you know, you put it on the calendar, your partner can look at it if they want to, but then you don't actually have to have a conversation about it until you're checking. But it's a way to kind of keep the conversation open or keep each other aware without having to verbally rehash it all the time.
Brady: Right? Yeah. And that seems like a relatively low pressure way of keeping people in the know and. Yeah, just keeping the lines of communication open again.
Aly: Totally. The other piece that I would say to involve your partner in is celebrating your wins. Positive reinforcement. That's something that they can do for you. That's the way that they can support you. Maybe you go out for dinner or you celebrate or whatever when the. When the behaviors changed. And that can be something that's really beautiful for your relationship, allows you to work on it together again without creating that power dynamic.
Brady: Yeah. Amazing. I mean, celebrating. Celebrating wins is really important for people in general. And so I can totally see how celebrating that as a couple would strengthen the individual that's working on it and then also strengthen that couple together.
Aly: Yeah. One more thing about the partner is it can work to be an accountability person when you are both struggling with the same thing. So let's say healthy eating habits. Maybe you both have a shared habit that you want to change. If both of you are on the same playing field at the beginning, then sure. Work together, create a plan together, keep each other accountable. It's when you have very different goals or different strengths that it's a little bit harder.
Brady: Yeah, that totally makes sense. Okay. Awesome. I learned a lot today. Thank you so much for joining, and thank you so much for all of the good bits of information. I consider you very much an expert and I think you prove that now. So thanks so much.
Aly: thank you.